How can an affair save a marriage

But as the months went on and James remained clueless, I began to get angry. For years, I had begged, then battled, for his attention.

Now, though I was still in love with him, I quietly ceded a fight I knew I couldn't win. When my husband came home from a weekend shift at the hospital, I told him we needed to separate. He asked if there was someone else.

I told him yes, but that he wasn't the reason for our break. We fell asleep clinging tightly to each other, as though in our dreams we could make it all better. At 5 AM, I was awakened by a call from James, already back at the hospital. He wanted to tell me about his terrible nightmare from the night before, in which I had told him our marriage was over and that I was having an affair.

I didn't know what to say. Several days later, James moved out, and I entered the state of acceptance and mourning that I had been circling for years. But as I adjusted to the shock of living by myself for the first time in my life, I did nothing to fast-forward my relationship with Alex. We would still spend the occasional night together — but without the thrill of illicitness, there simply wasn't a thrill.

I was also determined, however tentatively, to touch a toe into the waters of what it was to be alone. To be lonely. And as I did, I began to learn that I was… just fine.

Six months after James and I separated, I remember walking down the street thinking about him. Suddenly, my legs went weak, and within seconds, I found myself weeping on the sidewalk. It had taken this time apart to realize that my husband was a man I could indeed live without. But I sure as hell didn't want to. And so, with the confidence that Alex had taught me by showing me how valuable I was, I slowly entered back into a relationship with James.

We began by having a drink, and then dinners and then a weekend away. I took what I had learned from Alex and his view of the world into my interactions with James. No expectations. Allow the other person to be who they are.

Hear it, really hear it, and then accept it or not. No more punishing James for who he was, or thinking my demands could change him. If I chose to try and live with him again, I vowed to be a responsible party, rather than a victim. And for the first time in my life, I felt the gravitas of being an adult capable of doing just that. Finally, my husband said the words I'd waited so many years to hear.

As we lay in bed one evening before he returned to his own apartment, he wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. While I moved cautiously back towards my husband, I moved quickly away from my lover. In the park where we had first said we loved each other 18 months before, I told Alex that I was considering reconciling with James. Please update your billing details here to continue enjoying your access to the most informative and considered journalism in the UK.

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This content does not have an Arabic version. See more conditions. Healthy Lifestyle Adult health. Products and services. Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, but an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. By Mayo Clinic Staff. Thank you for Subscribing Our Housecall e-newsletter will keep you up-to-date on the latest health information. Please try again. Something went wrong on our side, please try again.

Show references Infidelity. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Accessed April 2, Online infidelity. Scott SB, et al. Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education.

We have the internet now and can have steamy chat-room conversations with strangers and cybersex with anyone who is keen. I have several clients who are taking part in this. But some studies suggest that online affairs can trigger emotional infidelity and, when discovered, can also trigger feelings of anger, jealousy and insecurity in the other partner. The reality is that staying faithful to one person in a relationship can be challenging. However, a large percentage of affairs are not just about sex.

They enjoy the feeling of being wanted, needed and desired and are often looking more for an emotional connection than a sexual one. When people feel trapped in a routine, an affair can be an escape. Romance may be missing. Many believe that women complain more often about lack of romance, but men feel it, too.

One of the main reasons may be the fact that most people have unrealistic expectations about what a happy relationship looks like, and believe they should be enjoying the kind of sex we see in movies or porn. Nowadays, some therapists believe there are times when an affair can rescue a marriage or relationship and even make it stronger.

Starting to understand how an affair happened can provide clarity and give answers to the many questions a couple may feel are still unanswered.