I am not who is was

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I get through. Emma has asked our friend, a neighbour who is a GP, to visit. Emma hands it back to her. Emma drives me to A and E I am panting. The road is empty The moment I go in I am surrounded with people in masks. They put an oxygen mask over my face. Today is Sunday, day 9 — you have got yourself through 8 days and nights Mick — I know how uncomfortable and scary that has been — but you have done it — brilliant — keep calm and keep taking it v slowly.

Xxx Love e x. Just spoke to nurse v quickly. She said you r stable, calm and just having a wash — they had to increase your levels last night by the sound of it, but it also sounds like you have settled again this morning. These nights r very hard Mick, I know. Xxx e xxx. Melon fruit cocktail and Tango on its way tomorrow. Lots of love e xxxx. In the early hours of Monday 6th April a doctor rang Emma to say that they were going to re-admit Michael to intensive care and place him in an induced coma on a ventilator, and that he had agreed to this.

A doctor is standing by my bed asking me if I would sign a piece of paper which would allow them to put me to sleep and pump air into my lungs.

Very poorly. I get the feeling that some people who were very poorly, died. Or sitting in the waiting area at an airport.

I think of a train journey to a summer camping holiday when I was 8 years old, with the land one side and the sea on the other. So I bring my hand up to my face and put it under my cheek. The ward is dark.

I can hear a metal purr from the other side, then a bubbling syrup. He coughs. More bubbling. It must be coming up from his chest. The metal purr must be sucking it up. A light is on behind the curtains over there.

The nurse tells him to keep still. I try to walk to the loo without using Sticky McStickstick. I stagger. I broke the rule that said I had to stay. I crossed back over the water, I dodged the guard dog, I came out. I left some things down there. It took bits of me as prisoner: an ear and an eye.